THE MO’KELLY REPORT: It’s Forbidden to Attend an Ex’s Wedding

Spring is almost here…the weather is getting warmer, the birds are singing and the bees are buzzing.  It’s that time of year in which love is in the air and the wedding invitations flow freely.  And Mo’Kelly is usually not at said weddings…at least not when the invitation comes from the bride.

      Mo’Kelly just can’t do it.

      In fact, Mo’Kelly won’t even officially RSVP his regrets.  “She” should know the law and it is both explicit and clear.  Don’t waste Mo’Kelly’s time or your postage.  Most women/brides-to-be, may not respect the law or conveniently choose to ignore it…but it is the law and women need to treat it as such.

      Y’all know what Mo’Kelly means.

      About two weeks ago, Mo’Kelly was reminded by a former…er…uh…ex, that she was getting married.  Our former romance didn’t last all that long and we’ve remained friends in the time since.  There hasn’t been a lot of communication in the recent years but an occasional email here and there will be exchanged…usually about something we both find humorous.  In truth, we haven’t even physically seen each other in quite some time, maybe not this century even.  Our rapport is nothing remotely disrespectful to her future husband.

      No real names will be used here as to protect the guilty…but to the woman who is getting married on May 12th of this year, uh…no, Mo’Kelly won’t be attending your wedding.  Every man reading this already knows why.  Every woman reading this SHOULD already know why too.  Don’t play dumb.

      It is very clear in the 10 commandments of dating.  It’s in bold print near the top of the page.

      “Thou shall not attend the wedding of any ex in which there is shared carnal knowledge.”

      Don’t get Mo’Kelly wrong, there are plenty of instances in which guys will routinely disrespect this law, but we all surely know the law.  Mo’Kelly has never been married, but if/when he does jump the broom, you can best believe he wants to be the only person at the wedding or reception with carnal knowledge of the bride. 

      Note, Mo’Kelly said “person” and not “man.”  These days, you just never know…there might be a woman in the house who “knows” your wife-to-be in a biblical sense too.  Let’s keep it real, it’s 2007.

      That’s not asking a lot, you would think.  Unfortunately, it’s a law more often broken than respected.  Christian wedding etiquette has the bride’s guests on the left side of the aisle (if you’re facing the wedding party) and Jewish tradition is opposite.  But in both traditions, there is no place reserved for exes.  Their seats are on the couch back at the crib.  Exes are to stay their a$$es at home.  You can send a gift, but stay away from the ceremony and reception.

      It’s the law.   

      No groom should feel the need to scan the audience and wonder who might be a former ex.  No groom should have to watch his wedding video and see your punk a$$ smiling and sending the happy couple your “best wishes.”  It’s not about whether the groom is likely ever to find out about your shared past; it’s the principle of the matter.  Big Worm in “Friday” said it best.

      “It’s about principalities!”

      The tricky part is that men and women differ on the “definition” of an “ex.”  Women love the fine print.  A man should always familiarize himself with his woman’s “fine print.”
 
      If you ask a woman who constitutes an “ex,” customarily only those with whom she had a committed relationship with for an “acceptable” amount of time are included in the discussion.  And it’s pretty hazy too on the time frame of what is deemed as “acceptable” to her.  Not only that; her “exes” only include those men recognized with the official title of “boyfriend.”  It doesn’t include the guy that took her home from the club.  You know, that night she just doesn’t discuss and acts as if it never happened. 
 
      THAT guy.

      It doesn’t include the guy SHE took home after the club some other night either.

      That OTHER guy too. 

      And you best believe she “took somebody” or “got took” given all those nights she spent at the [insert name] Club.  Fellas, don’t think that just because you had enough game to take someone home that your eventual wife wasn’t a woman who someone else took home on occasion.

      You can best believe it happened.

      It doesn’t include the guy(s) she’s had the various and sundry bootycalls with over the course of 5 years or so.

      None of them.
 
      It doesn’t include the guy (or guys…plural) she happened to meet while at Freaknik or the Bayou Classic.  And yes, every woman has “met” someone or “someones” while on the road.  And yes Mo’Kelly means plural for some women.  Everybody remembers that “chance” meeting at the gas station or in the KFC parking lot during NBA All-Star Weekend or Black Biker Week which led to a change in plans for the rest of the night for one or more people.

      All together now…”What happens at Freaknik or NBA All-Star Weekend”…(finish the sentence).

      You can best believe it happened, both for you and for your wife-to-be.  It’s happened to Mo’Kelly (read: his woman) and Mo’Kelly’s made it happen (read: someone else’s woman).  He’s been on both sides of the equation.  You win some, you lose some.

      Mo’Kelly has seen some stuff that will make you look at life (and your woman) in a whole different way.  And Mo’Kelly’s guessing that these women have all eventually married, or close thereto.  They are all likely wives now…but Mo’Kelly remembers them when…

      Fellas, Mo’kelly sees you nodding your head in agreement.

      And somebody remembers your wife too, “way back when.”  That’s just the way it is.  It doesn’t mean the man “did” it, just might have been there when your woman was caught in a compromising position.  He might have just held the camera or hid under the bed.  Doesn’t “necessarily” mean he is a guilty party…per se.

      For example…

      To the stripper/college student/aspiring model who “performed” at Neal’s bachelor party with a house full of Omegas back in ’92, we the Ques STILL salute you and your fabulous performance.  The Ques still talk about your dedication and attention to detail in your “moonlighting” endeavors with great affection and appreciation.  And yes, we still have the pictures.

      Oops, that was a real name.  Mo’Kelly’s bad. 

Dear “wife of Neal,”

      Neal was an absolute angel at his bachelor party.  You need not worry.  It was the rest of us Ques acting a fool on that occasion.  No joke.  Seriously, it was only the rest of us disrespecting our relationships at that time.

Love,

Mo’Kelly

      But Mo’Kelly digresses…

      To the truth of the matter, that’s just how we as men are wired.  For every woman a man “knows,” it does not matter how long ago it may have been.  It’s the FIRST thing remembered upon re-introduction.

      (Mo’Kelly walks through a mall, happens upon an old flame walking with a man, holding hands).

      “Mo’Kelly so nice to see you.  It’s been like…forever.  This is my husband…Ray Ray.”

      (Mo’Kelly shakes Ray Ray’s hand)

      “Nice to meet you Ray Ray…”  (to woman) Well, (insert woman’s name) it HAS  been a long time.  You look well. So good  to see you… (voice switches to autopilot.)

      When Mo’Kelly’s voice switches to autopilot, the rest of the conversation is a ruse to allow semi-subtle eye contact with the old flame to convey he remembers what, how, where and how many times he did it with and to her.  It’s not right, it’s not polite…it’s just the truth.

      It’s just the way it is.  Fellas, you can keep on nodding in agreement.

      Once upon a time, a relative of Mo’Kelly once asked whether it would be cool to invite one of her ex-boyfriends to her nuptials.  Mo’Kelly just about passed out.

      That woman knew better and had no business even posing the question.  There are just some things you don’t do.  It doesn’t matter whether the liaison was 5, 10, 30 years ago.  It does not matter that he and you don’t feel the same way anymore.  It doesn’t matter that the dude may now be a monk and lives in a monastery in Tibet.  It doesn’t even matter if it was a scant, toe-curling 20 minutes of alcohol-induced whimsicality…the law is clear.

      “Thou shall not attend the wedding of any ex in which there is shared carnal knowledge.”

      So to any of you who may happen to see Mo’Kelly at anybody’s wedding, you can rest assured he has no history with the bride.  He may have “held the camera” or hid under the bed, but nothing else.  Mo’Kelly respects the law.  Mo’Kelly will be free on May 12th…and is free to attend any and all bachelor parties in perpetuity.

      Best wishes to the darling couple come May 12th …yada, yada, yada (switching to autopilot).

By Morris W. O’Kelly

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