Saturday, June 22, 2024

Breaking Donald Trump’s Heart in Moscow.

March 10, 2022 by  
Filed under News, Politics, Weekly Columns

( OVERHEARD in MOSCOW — If I am in the Russian president’s head — and I am indeed the one mighty Vladimir Putin — then I’m fighting mad that Ukraine is running away from home, from Mother Russia. I’m even more mad that Ukraine is fighting hard, fighting well against my army.

Tanks stopped in their tracks! That is not according to special military operation plan. All because of one man. America says it’s going to send a peace ambassador.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy — in his war room, in his palace — is a pretender winning the world’s heart. Acting for all he is worth. As if he’s the hero here. I’d enjoy ripping him apart with my bare hands. Or holding him under the waters of the Black Sea. A Siberian labor camp would be too kind. He well knows the fate I hold in store for him. The KGB lives in me.

The Great Gate at Kiev, I swear it won’t be long now, before we enter and are reunited with our blood kin and land. Even advisers criticized civilian casualties in cities — the pictures didn’t look good in The New York Times. And two million people fleeing! They could have stayed home in peace.

We Russians know all about civilian suffering from the winter sieges of World War II. One went on for 900 days. These people—

Ukraine has not even begun to suffer. Oh, there’s the American now.

DONALD TRUMP: Vlad, Vlad! Nice pad. I come bearing gifts! A MAGA cap, golf clubs, Trump merch that would cost you big at Mar-a-Lago. I brought your bestie in the Senate, Ron Johnson. Tucker sends regards.

PUTIN: It had to be you.

TRUMP: Joe Biden is onto us. Wonder why. We just enjoy each other’s company, one great man to another. Savvy and stable geniuses.

PUTIN: I did everything I could for you in 2016. Put that woman and her cellphone on permanent hold. Gave you the golden chance to break up NATO.

TRUMP: Saving that for the second term, Vlad. After the German frau got out of town. Trump cigars, anyone?

PUTIN: And I was saving THIS for a second term. NATO is choking me like a necklace. Albania, Romania, Estonia — they don’t need NATO! That is an insult!

TRUMP: VLAD, we talked about all that. I saved the notes because I didn’t want them in the Archives.

PUTIN: This is not the first time Zelenskyy outfoxed our plans. He got his millions without your bribe. Your first impeachment?

TRUMP: Oh, that’s because people were listening in on the call.

PUTIN: I don’t have time for a little chat about your past. We are in a war! We’re in a foxhole here in the Kremlin.

RON JOHNSON. Moscow is even colder in winter than Milwaukee. Wisconsin.

PUTIN: (cool gaze at Johnson) Is he useful at least?

TRUMP: Nah. Ron, shut up or get lost.

PUTIN: Do you actually have a secret dispatch for me? You must get it right. Exactly right. From the real president of the United States.

TRUMP: You know I have your best interests at heart. (Ahem) All I wanted was to build a Trump Tower in Moscow. Look at us now.

PUTIN: Yes, you’re a loser and I’m in a foxhole.

TRUMP: Loser! Don’t ever call me that again.

PUTIN. Once more: does the U.S. government have a top-secret message for me? Do I have to beat it out of you?

TRUMP: Stop the invasion and we’ll give you—

PUTIN: Ukraine?

TRUMP: Nothing. Just give it up.

PUTIN. Your Civil War was brother against brother, families on both sides. Same language. You didn’t give up. America went to war.

JOHNSON: Camp Randall in Madison was a Civil War prisoner camp.

TRUMP: Like a gulag. (aside to Johnson) I brought you along to make me look good.

PUTIN: Out, gentlemen. Take this back: Ukraine is part of Russia, body and soul. My mission is more sacred than any tower: to rebuild Russia out of ashes. Ukraine joins NATO over my dead body.

TRUMP: Ah Vlad, you don’t love me anymore.

JOHNSON: Anywhere we can get some good beer and brats?

Columnist; Jamie Stiehm

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